Thursday, January 10th 2008
Cawaii! February Issue Cover Girl Ayumi Hamasaki
Interview conducted by Takako Tsuritani
On what's becoming a traditional New Year's Day, you've released your highly anticipated album. It has been named "GUILTY". This title can, of course, be interpreted various ways depending on the listener. However, you did away with the glamour, and did a bit of a self-examination. And since Ayu is Ayu, "GUILTY" is a "rebirth" rather than a new beginning, such a title fits very well.
I personally thought this was a good album. "Good" has several definitions, and all of them apply here. During the "MY STORY"/"(miss)understood"/"Secret" era, I had a habit of patting myself on the back alot, but it was a very different sense of accomplishment then. I reached a place with the same feelings as when I released, say, "Duty" and "LOVEppears" and such. Thinking & saying stuff like, "I've done well for myself", or, "This is good for me". The last few years' albums have simply had me feeling like "Everyone did a good job again this year", and every year I was able to finish up like that, but I didn't feel so secure in doing that this year. I could maybe now say that thinking of those years is rather painful... Which is to say, "We've improved." Up until "Secret", I had developed an admiration for those who were confident when responding to me. So while working on the album, I was thinking all kinds of things like, "This is what the album is being made for" and "This song from that era has this problem that we need to fix". But this time, even right until the end, I didn't get it. I never had any clear idea of what the finishing touch would be to make it just right. So it's true, when putting the music together to make just my usual album, I was surprised that I had, on my own, made a well-played-out story. "What is this?" I said (laughs). But the usual feeling I get when I finish an album wasn't there. Kinda like when I did "Duty", even when it was done I was excited, I was saying like, "Is it okay for me to speak so honestly & sharply like this?" or "Is it good that I'm being so honest about crying & getting angry?". Since I was so busy, like "let's go, let's go" all the time back then, I really didn't care. But now that that time is behind me, I've gotten really sensitive about it (laugh). The way I feel now is so completely different from the excitement from that time.
It's obvious that somewhere along the way from "MY STORY" to "SECRET", your life changed. How you appear to feel, what influences you, sympathy your fans feel for you, all that was different than it is now. This time, with "GUILTY", instead of sympathy, it's a message that really resonates. Even things inside you, conflicts & illusions, things being shouted from your heart that we never noticed before, we do now. Impulses that would have been ineffective before were stacking up and taking effect. That seems like something we would have seen in the "Duty" era.
I think that's true. When people asked how I felt about my past albums, I felt like the perfect response was "I'm very confident about my work". And while I did think they were wonderful albums, and I said so, my confidence in each work, from one to the other, would actually fade away & come back. If I was confident in myself, I'd get stronger, and so the "Hamasaki Ayumi" version of me would also get strong somehow, rather than being replaced by the "Ayu" version of me. Because of that, I wonder if there are many people who are learning about how I, "Hamasaki Ayumi", am really living. I think this album is coming from a part of me that's comfortable with sharing, although you can think of it as rooting from my fear of insecurity.
It's surprising to hear you say "fear of insecurity" for the first time in ages.
Naturally, I do want everyone to hear that, but I kinda don't want people to hear it, when I feel things like that. On the whole, it's a very dark sentiment. Strangely enough I didn't say things like "Let's keep working with courage & hope", because if I did I knew I'd be more nervous about it. It seemed like, "Would it be better to stay on target?". One after another, those feelings dropped away, it was like "kerplunk", and I'd only really care about it for a second. I'd be like "Is it okay for me to not ALWAYS be positive?" (laughs). Plus, I was always changing one more tiny thing, and it was like, okay this song sounds like this... you know. There were so many different kinds of music being used, I got to the point where it was all really hard to describe. It would seem like I couldn't figure out this one song, I'd want to hear it a million different ways, so that's what kind of album it turned out to be.
Ayu, you yourself said you were feeling "a shining change". What kind of effect will "GUILTY" have this year, while you celebrate your 10th anniversary?
"GUILTY" is a miracle. When I was starting it, there didn't seem to be any problems, honestly. But 2007 didn't give me much that helped in making the album. So if I forcibly created a seemingly uncreatable thing, how would it turn out? The result wouldn't have benefitted me, listeners who bought the album wouldn't be happy with it either, and all that after straining myself. So what would it be then? One day the reason why came to me... writing the music. It wasn't that I wanted to write, I HAD to write. I was able to do it when I told myself "I know it, I have to sing, I have to make this album." So then I managed to finish five songs in a single stretch of time. I thought this was a sign that I'd be able to make the album. But in the middle of making it, I stopped, because I started thinking again "This is impossible to do." My real self isn't usually the type to give up in the middle of something. Those instances, I'll say "Oh, so THIS is what's going on, huh?" and get very serious about it, just to kinda rebel against the situation. But this time I said to the staff, "I have to accept that this is impossible," and raised a white surrender flag. But although I raised it very decisively, I felt really horrible doing it. "No, I have to finish!" I said, and I took it back the very next day (laughs)! From that point on I was very strong about it & managed to finish it on schedule. With that, I realized that raising the white flag like that was just something not suitable for me. I found it very unpleasant. I thought of it like, "This is an absolute defeat."
The english word "GUILTY" means "yuuzai" in japanese. In regards to that, you said only "Although that is the title I attached myself to, that is, myself up until & including this moment, I'm not going to say that guilt has been my way of life." But do you think there's any such thing as an "innocent" human being? Say innocence does exist. If someone is hurt, would it be a virtuous thing to tell a lie in order to fix it? If someone commits one or two small sins, should people pay any mind?
I do feel that guilt hasn't been my way of life, but then again I haven't gone through life doing what you'd call bad things. Even while writing & singing I was thinking of that. Chances are, most people's sins are minor if any, and we'll lie about being happy or sad. But all it is really, is that we have to keep on living, and it is for that reason that we occasionally do some minor bad things.
Although for those who hear it, "Secret" seems to be, with its songs, a work like an infinitely looping movie, "GUILTY" seems, from the first song to the last, like a perfect three-act play. Even if one piece of music is removed, the feeling doesn't change. And so, it's a dynamic album, saying "despite that...", it's like a brand-new clean slate that echoes... Is this maybe the "way of life" that ayu said, is ayu entrusting us with that thought?
If you wanna call it a new thing, I cried when I heard GUILTY for the first time. Just to let you know, I'm not someone who listens to their own music. When I finish making the music, I'm very calm & objective, and I decide to either think "this time I went into the singing seriously", or to run from it. But this time I didn't give myself that decision, and it was unbelievable how much I cried. I had to stop listening to it for awhile, truthfully I couldn't just listen to it straight to the end in one shot. But in the middle of the album I felt differently (laughs). And if I listen to it again, I definitely believe I'll be thinking "Life is really wonderful!" And it really is.
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